Mayank Shekhar | Last Modified - Oct 05, 2012, 01:15 PM IST
The film’s title KLPD (Kismat Love Paisa Dilli) is of course a popular North Indian expletive. While I needn’t spell out what each letter stands for, as most would know, it essentially means someone who’s primed up for something good to happen to them, and that gets taken away right at the moment when it really counts.
KLPD then could also be the story of the lives of the two lead actors in this film: Vivek Oberoi, Mallika Sherawat, both feted once in the media as some sort of super-stars in the making, and now they’ve been reduced to such unimaginably hopeless duds. You may not find a better example to explain their fall (if there was ever any rise at all) than a shoddy flick like this.
Oberoi plays a Dilliwallah. Don’t they all, these days? “Iski Maa jee,” is his favourite cuss word. He likes saying, “Mar jaawa gur khaake,” and generally acts like a lost fool. No, nobody deserves to be publicly embarrassed this way, not even Vivek Oberoi. Being from the capital of India of course also means he participates in the city’s official sport: “shikaar” He chases down an unknown hot girl down to the last metro at 11:40, with a condom in his pocket, hoping to get her to bed in a kholi in Munirka. You want to know why Delhi is so unsafe for women. Well, here’s the hero. You can imagine what the villains must be up to.
One of the bad guys grabs the girl, pulls her into his van, four of his friends sit around like a theatre audience, waiting to watch him rape her. He doesn’t, only because a little kid is also staring through the van’s window. This scene incidentally has been put together in the interest of comedy. I genuinely can’t see the humour. This bad guy (Ashutosh Rana) is on a rampage because it’s his birthday, so he goes around town stealing sweets, ATM machines, and whatever else he can find along the way. There’s also a pizza delivery boy, who can fly, and eat people’s ears.
What’s this film about then? Well, films don’t always have to be about something, unless they start taking themselves seriously. This one eventually does, which is when you really want to bang your head against the seat before you, but never mind that. Khanduri’s Ek Chaalis Ki Last Local, though hardly a masterpiece, was a reasonably okay piece of funny trash in the mould of “Mumbai Noir”. This complete KLPD, in comparison, hurts.
Mallika Sherawat plays the hot girl. I think there’s some bit about a missing sting operation tape that’s been floating around, and that the politician who’s been filmed in that video wants to get his hands on. I think. Because it doesn’t matter. What’s important is that the hero pees on drinks, and over people’s heads. The journey really starts past midnight. Since then, we’ve attended a long party to celebrate corruption, we’ve spent lots of time at a full-on Punjabi wedding with the Punjabi dance and song, we’ve been to a flood-lit stadium, picked up parathas on the streets, walked around in the bazaars, watched both the hero and the hero almost get raped, and returned to the first party as well. How long is this night? If you were watching this film, you’d feel like you’ve spent too many nights in the theatre already. So, don’t even ask. Seriously.